Info
Original by VivamusLudio
Idea generation: DrAkimoto,
Red-eyes Dragoon
I used to do the NPC of Ralph for the Backrooms RP server, so I've been attached to this character ever since. Trimmed? No — I won't stand for this!
Loved the ideas we came up with for this one. Very happy with how it turned out too. Ralph forever!
LEVEL
11
SURVIVAL DIFFICULTY
CLASS 0
Exit: 0/5
Guaranteed Exit
Environment: 0/5
No Environmental Risks
Entities: 0/5
No Hostile Entities
Ralph working at his desk.
Have you ever noticed incomprehensible muzak playing in certain levels of the Backrooms? From malls to waiting rooms, many locations are marked by an incessant hum of gibberish lyrics peppered over the same tired old chord progressions. Most hardly stick around for a closer listen, but when the music fades out, you may hear the dulcet tones of Ralph, host of the wildly popular Radio Backrooms. A captive audience of Backrooms wanderers is about the best thing to happen to radio since the invention of the automobile.
The Studio
Radio Backrooms' studio is largely unremarkable at first glance, being a regular Level 11 building. Don't be fooled by its nonchalant façade, however — this studio is far from ordinary.
Though appearing as a multi-storey building from the street, the interior of Radio Backrooms' studio is comprised of one simple floor. Wanderers can access 4 rooms in the studio, though most will only see the waiting room and recording booth; Ralph's trust is needed to access the other sections.
Public Sections
The first of these sections is the waiting room. Ralph will only see or record with one person at a time, so others will be asked to wait here.1 Dotted with chairs and one very comfortable sofa, its walls are decorated with pictures of various unidentified people on the walls, usually next to or in conversation with Ralph. There is also a picture of Ralph standing in his studio alone, holding a giant cheque that isn't filled out. A golden plaque on the picture frame simply reads: "Thanks. Or actually, you're welcome?"
After waiting your turn, you will come across the 2nd section: the studio itself. Ralph will usually be found here, leaned back in his chair, feet kicked up on the recording booth. His cavalier attitude to production will be immediately clear. He might not even turn around to look at you straight away, rather waving you over to where he is.
The studio is reasonably advanced, possessing:
- Ralph's chair: Be sure to keep it warm if Ralph heads to the break room for some coffee, wanderers report it alleviates back pain.
- A desktop PC: Running nostalgic 90s software, Ralph uses this to type up scripts for his shows.
- Radio equipment: Referred to affectionately as "Old Whistler" by Ralph, this cobbled-together tech stack handles the broadcast.2
- Ralph's Mirror: This well placed mirror makes the room feel much larger. Ralph doesn't show up in it.
Tranquil though it may seem, the studio contains signs of a struggle. Bullet holes dot the walls here and there, though Ralph assures guests that his trusty shotgun is years out of ammo. Dings, scratches and a crack or two taint the otherwise impenetrable window that gives Ralph a paradoxically aerial view of the Level 11 cityscape. The inward-facing handles of some studio doors appear to have been ripped off and fixed with superglue.
"EMPLOYEE ONLY" sections
Some lucky guests will gain the privilege of entering the Radio Backrooms' "EMPLOYEE ONLY" areas. Note the missing plural: the 'S' appears to have been scratched off with a boxcutter.
Two such rooms exist:
![A break room]](http://scutoidbox.wdfiles.com/local--files/radio-backrooms/breakroom.jpg)
Ralph wasn't quite sure why anyone would want a picture of this place.
The first is the dingy old break room. Quite cramped, Ralph is usually in and out quickly. Radio Backrooms runs 24/7, and he'd much rather stick to the comfort of his desk chair. Here are a rickety table with peeling wood veneers, some wobbly chairs, a pristine kettle, and a coffee machine in less-than-mint condition. Ralph is seldom at his desk without a cup of joe, in which he insists upon a healthy glug of whole milk to cut the bitterness. Though the coffee beans restock infinitely, milk is harder to come by for Ralph — heading on a milk run is one quick way to ingratiate yourself with the radio host.
The second is the music vault, Ralph's pride and joy. Here are his various tapes and records, organized with rigor and love on over-packed shelves. A few are recognizable,3 but the vast majority are gibberish titles with nonsensical genre labels that distort Ralph's musical ear. Though he can describe heavy metal correctly, he insistently agrees with the record sleeve that Mama Mama Mamama Mama — a country classic that never was, titles be damned — is the heaviest metal there is.
Ralph rarely sees visitors to the far corner of his music vault. There lies an old oak door, looking worse yet for wear than those of the studio. Chains lock this door tight, though there's enough give for it to shake when something — or someone — bangs from the other side. Though this may seem perturbing, Ralph's ability to control the conversation rivals the steering prowess of a ferryman. Most wanderers find themselves without the wherewithal to ask about the door, or the key around Ralph's neck.
Programme
Radio Backrooms offers a steady stream of programming, ranging from survival tips to talk show segments. Ralph's microphone quality is immaculate and his audio usually pristine, but in some cases banging noises have been heard in the background of segments. In between these programs play long musical interludes.
Music
Though Ralph is an unrivalled audiophile, the audio in question borders on surreal. He speaks of records from his vault like prize pooches — you might even be fooled into thinking these songs make sense.
And that right there was Red Doors Floors More by… ah, it's a little above my pay grade to pronounce these fine rockers' names. Let's move on — I've also, and don't freak out…
[Ralph bends down to pick something up]
I've also got an original pressing of Every Time Your Face (It's Your Face) by Cyan Dumpsterfire! This nearly brought me to tears, I tell ya — and you folks know I never cry!
Enough with the hold-up, time to lay down the wax for another 37 minutes of unbridled listening bliss… This is Radio Backrooms, I'm Ralph, and you're listening to Country Hour!
[The sound of a banjo being bashed in serves as the transition to 37 minutes of rain sounds.]
Shootin' the Shit
Ralph's talk show Shootin' the Shit is his most widely-acclaimed segment, with many wanderers tuning in to hear the embarrassing personal stories Ralph coaxes out of each guest, through conversational genius or otherwise.
Shootin' the Shit | Episode log 1: Larry
Ralph: Well, we've got Larry here with us in the studio today — sturdy guy, I hear! Looks the part, this guy seems like he could wrestle a wretch. Now what'd you say you do for a living?
Larry: [Gruff] I's drywall, construction work, the same as back home. A'course, the Outposts I hang ain't the same - three-eighths instead of five-eighths sheet rock makes everything all brittle - but I figure they're good enough.
And.
Uh, you know, it's real tough out there sometimes. But it's the grit that keeps me going. Keeps it real. And the guys too, I always been a big fan of gallows humor.
Ralph: Sure sounds like some wonderful work. Now, Larry, what's the single scariest thing that's happened to you on the job?
Larry: On the job? Nothin' scares me on the job, Earth jobs are scarier the way the maestros treat the guys. Over here, everyone knows everyone, and that's a good fucking thing.
Besides, the guys would have me tarred and feathered.
Ralph: Your crew give you hell sometimes?
Larry: No, no, I mean… they're just teasin' anyway. Little fun's all you need to get through…
Ralph: Through what?
Larry: Oh, pssh… [Hesitates]
You know how it is. We all seen some shit we'd rather we hadn't.
Out here, wandering, you stay alive if you don't smell like dinner for the forces. And lots of guys are fucking finger-licking good, you know what I mean!.
Ralph: Wise words. Hostile entities coming at you left and right, it's a wonder you've built any outposts at all!
Larry: —Now listen here, I'm still perfectly able'a-
Ralph: [Chuckles] Alright, alright. Didn't you say you didn't mind a little teasing? A tough guy like you oughta be able to cope with that…
[Ralph shifts on his chair, leaning in]
Ralph: Now speaking of coping, how's about a little advice for our dear listeners? Just how is it you cope with these terrifying events?
Larry: Oh, I just…
[Larry seems unable to speak for a moment.]
Larry: Hm. I think I'ma be a bit candid.
There's… a friend of mine. I call him Mr. S.
[Ralph leans back again]
Ralph: Mr. S? That your therapist?
Larry: S-sorta? I mean, he's — hijole, why am I telling you this — he's my teddy bear. Got him when I was 11, 'cause I wasn't always the big guy, if you know what I mean.
So, every night, I lock up, head home, sit in the recliner, got him by my side like this, and I tell him about my day. Couple minutes, everything doesn't seem so bad. Can't hurt me.
Ralph: Wow, Larry. That sure takes guts to admit.
Larry: …you really think so?
Ralph: [Chuckles] Sure.
Larry: Man… You've gotta cut this out the edit expe-fucking-ditiously.
Ralph also takes calls on his show, though the associated telephone number constantly changes.
Shootin' the Shit | Episode log 2: Linda
Ralph: Well, line 2's been pretty patient. This one's been waiting for a half-hour at least! Who have I got the pleasure of speaking to?
Linda: Hello?
Ralph: Hello, this is Ralph for Radio Backrooms — you're on the air. Who's this?
Linda: This is Linda, Linda Collins. Journalist for the B.N.T.G.
Ralph: So, tell me — what's your deal? Who is Linda.
Linda: Well, I'm… A columnist? [Laughs wryly] To be honest, I'm not quite sure anymore.
Ralph: Now isn't that just relatable? Why don't you tell us a little more about what you're feeling.
Linda: You see, ever since falling into the Backrooms, I've just felt so…
Ralph: [Chuckles] Lost?
Linda: Oh, brother. That's not too cliché is it?
Ralph: The jury's still out on that one. How's about you tell our listeners a little more about you you're feeling?
Linda: I had a life, y'know? It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, but it was mine. Steady job, great friends… and I was a mother.
Ralph: A mother? How many little ones you got running around?
Linda: Two, two twins. Boys. They'd be twelve by now.
Ralph: Linda, I'm so sorry. Being separated from your kids like that, well — can't say I relate, but it sounds terrible. Must be hard.
Linda: It's- [Pauses] It's not. Dear god, that's what I've been so worked up about! It's not!
Ralph: Well, Linda. Can't say I see anything wrong with moving on, do you?
Linda: Moving on. Christ. [Sigh]
[Linda pauses for a second]
Linda: I thought I wanted this, this life. That I could have it all if I just worked hard enough — that's what my family thought, anyway. "So what," they'd say, "so what if he left? These are your babies." And they are — were — mine. But in the end…
Ralph: There there, Laur- Linda. I'm sure you were an amazing mom.
Linda: What? I know I was! That's not what I was- [Sighs exasperatedly] It's that I never felt how I was supposed to feel. I love my kids. Of course I love them. But I…
[Another pause Ralph chooses not to fill]
Linda: At first, I thought it was normal? You know, every mother gets stressed. My friends — other teenagers — reassured me: I would grow to love them when it got easier. But what did they know? They'd never given birth. They were getting less dependent on their parents, not more. Their careers were never put on hold. And no, it never got easier.
Ralph: I getcha. Teen mom on the go, with twins no less!
Linda: I just- I walked their first steps with them, clothed and fed them, took all the pictures, clapped at all the right times. But every time we would go to the grocery store, one kid in the seat of the shopping cart and the other weighing it down sitting in the front, both crying the very ears off my head — I thought it. I thought- [Pauses] What if I just… ran away? Left them there? Never looked back? I was 21 by then — could I have the life I really wanted? Then I put the damn cereal in the cart.
Ralph: And now you've got your BNTG job… you don't miss 'em?
Linda: I… no. I guess not.
Ralph: Damn kids, amirite?
[Linda hangs up the line with a tone.]
Ralph: Well, alright then! Line 3, you're up…
Sometimes, he combines in-person interviews with call-in segments to incorporate yet more drama into the show.
Shootin' the Shit | Episode log 3: Shaun
Ralph: Shaun here's been happily married for 10 years. How about you tell us a little about that?
Shaun: Sure. Married my college sweetheart, absolute love of my life. Caoilinn. We were both studying History, and let's just say she had a better idea where her life was going than I did. Nonetheless, we were inseparable.
Ralph: [Chuckles] Wow, sounds ideal.
Shaun: Yeah. I mean- [Pauses] well, there is just the one thing.
Ralph: Oh, and what might that be?
Shaun: Well, it's… I don't know, it's probably nothing. Just… [Shifts in chair] Whenever I hear the way you listen, the way you adjust those dials, your voice…
Ralph: Well, I get that a lot. So many years of radio experience'll do that to a man's voice.
Shaun: Yeah. Yeah, you're right — I just- It's hard to stop thinking about how it'd feel to… God, what am I saying? This is ridiculous. We're live on air.
Ralph: [Leans back in chair] Nothing's ridiculous, Shaun. So how long've you been having feelings for other men?
Shaun: What are you- I mean, no! That's not- It's just you. There's never been… [Pauses] Except for that one guy. Jamie. God, he had this- this hair, and the way he'd pout when he was concentrating on something was like… aww, shit.
Ralph: What happened with Jamie?
Shaun: Happened? I wish. It never went farther than some stupid glances during lectures. Or some study sessions in the library. Or some-
Ralph: Ah, so you met him on this famously romantic History course too?
Shaun: That's- That- It doesn't- That had nothing to do with it.
Ralph: Well, in light of the historical evidence…
Shaun: I- No! What, are you saying my whole damn life's a lie? You can't just-
[A telephone bell begins to ring]
Ralph: Well, we'll try to put humpty dumpty back together again after this quick call… [Ringing stops] Hello?
Caoilinn: This is Caoilinn Murray. Though it seems it might be time to ditch that name — Shaun? Shaun, are you there?
Ralph: Well would you take a look at that! This is the missus, I assume? You're on Stirrin' the P— Sorry, Shootin' the Shit for Radio Backrooms. How're you feeling?
Caoilinn: How am I feeling? 7 years! 7 years we've been together, finally got married 1 boring year ago, and my sex life's practically entered its blue period! Well if I've got one thing to thank you for, Ralph, it's that I finally know why!
Shaun: Caoilinn, please—
Caoilinn: Please what, Shaun? Please stick around so you can shag some radio host while I sit around and wonder why we don't even hold hands anymore?
Shaun: I wasn't going to-
Caoilinn: No, I'm speaking now. It's always been my fault, always. It's always about what I'm not pretty enough for, what I'm not doing right, how I've somehow changed so much that you've left our marriage behind like the pair of boxers you must have left in Jamie O' Donnell's disgusting dorm room!
Shaun: But we never- I mean, Jamie wasn't-
Caoilinn: Oh? Jamie didn't swing that way? Well no worries! You found the next best thing, right?
Ralph: Well, Caoilinn. Wouldn't you agree that it's taken a great deal of courage for Shaun to admit what he has today?
Caoilinn: Dear God, stay out of this, radio man! Just- Shaun? Don't bother coming home tonight. Stay with your radio boyfriend, because me? I need some time.
Ralph: And with that, it's just about time for our next segment. Next up, we'll kick off Techno Tuesday with Dead Sped Wed by The Haunted Rye Bread!
[Staticky blues music begins. Lyrics are nonsensical.]
Though many participants request emotional support or therapy from the M.E.G. after appearing on Shootin' the Shit, most regard it as a positive experience when all is said and done.
Ralph
Ralph is the only entity you can find in Radio Backrooms' studio.
Physiology
Outwardly, Ralph appears as a ~30 year old Caucasian man with dark hair. His fashion sense remains constant, cycling between the same few outfits day in, day out: linen shirts in varying designs, black or denim trousers and enough flannel to last a lumberjack a lifetime. Around his neck, there is a key.
Ralph doesn't appear in mirrors, a fact he seems genuinely unaware of and is quite prone to forgetting. Though Ralph is perfectly capable of being photographed, no photos exist containing Ralph's face.
Behaviour
Note for critters: This section is just an outline right now
Ralph never leaves Radio Backrooms — if he tries, he leaves through one door and comes back in the other.
Ralph doesn't eat, sleep, or even seem to have any need for water.
Ralph likes to send people on errands.
Ralph will basically never kick you out of the lobby because he can't really even go there.
Ralph exudes a sedative effect where people become suggestible and even drowsy at extreme levels. Normally it's at a low level during an interview, helping guests divulge secrets they never would otherwise. If you press Ralph on his past or anything else he wouldn't quite like to talk about, it gets a little stronger which allows him to redirect the conversation to preferred topics. If Ralph ends up in any form of distress, it becomes overwhelming.
Interview
The following interview was contributed to the Database by the Major Explorer Group.
This was not the M.E.G.'s first attempt at an extended interview with Ralph — the first few attempts ended in immediate conversational redirection due to Ralph's sedative effect.
Below is an interview conducted by M.E.G. Archivist Eleni Nikolaou. To aid her in the interview, she prepared detailed notes with which to remain focused and attentive, leading to partial success.
M.E.G. Interview Log
Interviewer: Archivist Eleni Nikolaou
Interviewee: Ralph
Eleni: -gain, I'm only here in a professional capacity. There, the recording's started. To repeat for the record, I'm Archivist Eleni Nikolaou from the Major Explorer Group, here to ask you some questions about your background.
Ralph: Sounds great! Always down for a chat. [Chuckles] Oh, and for the record, this is Ralph. Now, how's about I fix you a cup of coffee?
Eleni: After our interview, maybe. [Glances at notes] For how long have you been hosting Radio Backrooms?
Ralph: What can I say? It feels like forever. Time really flies by when you're doing what you love, I tell ya! 'Specially when it comes to sharing the world's finest tunes. Say, got any requests?
Eleni: [Consults notes once again] Our records of Radio Backrooms date back 15 years. What were you doing before this radio station began?
Ralph: [Shifts uncomfortably] I…
[Ralph grips his coffee mug tightly]
Ralph: You sure you don't want a cup of joe? Takes the edge off during an interview, that's what I always say.
Eleni: Ralph. Please. Do you have any memories from before?
[Ralph sets back down his mug. Eleni blinks twice, but remains composed]
Ralph: Hard to say, I've always been a radio guy. Think I was just cut out for it, you know? That's all there is to it.
[Eleni crumples her notes slightly as she clutches onto them]
Eleni: That's not a real answer. How about… what's your oldest memory here?
[Ralph begins absently fidgeting with the key around his neck]
Ralph: Well, there was…
[Confusion traces Ralph's face]
Ralph: A researcher? One like you, only he was a little shorter. Dark hair, little stubble, [Chuckles] no light behind his eyes… you know the type? He asked me… questions and… said he had some kind of theory?
Eleni: And what happened to him?
[Ralph's expression shifts to genuinely distressed]
Ralph: I don't— He insisted. He kept talking about how I was trapped here, which is crazy! Craziness! I'm just… here, doing what I love! …Right?
Eleni: Right.[Pauses] Sorry, I mean- I don't know. Can you leave?
[The two stand in silence for just a second too long]
Ralph: …not exactly, no. I have tried, if you'll care to see the damage I've done. I love what I do, I just wanted to step out for some fresh air, you know? But when I leave through one door, I just come in through another. It's…
[Eleni, sounding tired now, rubs her eyes and reads off notes]
Eleni: Ralph. Do you remember your old life? Any details from before the Backrooms — friends, family? A job?
[Long pause. Ralph stares at his hands before beginning to fidget with them]
Ralph: There was… math? Which is crazy, because I didn't even pass math. But I remember whiteboards, and I dunno… theorems? [Shakes head violently] No! That's not my life!
Eleni: [Takes a deep breath] Ralph. Tell me… what's your full name?
Ralph: Ralph! It's just Ralph! I don't have- Never had-
[Ralph grabs his mug even tighter. Forces some cheer back in]
Ralph: Say, that's a mighty neat clip you've got in your hair, where'd you get that from?
Eleni: [Weakly] My clip? I got it from…
[Eleni shakes her head out of it, but weakly]
Eleni: Ralph. What's behind the door in your music vault?
Ralph: Uh, storage. Just some records I'd rather keep mint, you know how it is!
[Ralph's eyes dart around the room as he looks for an out]
Ralph: H-hey, whaddaya say we go on air? You and I on Shootin' the Shit. We can talk about science or whatever it is you people do.
Eleni: But… what about your…
[The notes slip out of Eleni's hand]
Eleni: Yeah, that actually sounds… nice.
Ralph: Phew. Great. Now lemme just adjust some levels…
Archivist Eleni Nikolaou was heard on Shootin' the Shit that afternoon, discussing her studies in entity behavioral science. While Ralph didn't use any specialist vocabulary, he exhibited a high degree of interest in this scientific area and understood the Archivist's explanations quickly. More abnormally, Ralph did not steer the conversation towards embarrassing topics. This was not your usual episode of Shootin' the Shit — this one warranted further investigation.
Identity
Following the M.E.G.'s first somewhat successful interview with Ralph, the subject of Ralph's identity became a priority in the field of passive entity research.
Previously unnoticed was a seemingly inconsequential change in Radio Backrooms' broadcasting. At the time of this shift, Radio Backrooms had been observed by the M.E.G. for 5 years since its initial discovery in 2010 with no substantial changes to the station's programming, musical roster or presenter. All of a sudden, on Jul 21st 2015, Radio Backrooms was off the air for 10 hours. Ralph's status was remained unknown until an entity identifying as Ralph resumed programming:
Ralph: Sorry, listeners! Goin' through a funk as of late, can't say why — musta forgot to set some tunes going in the meantime, though… Won't happen again! Speakin' of funk, I say it's about time we bust out the Funky Dealer's latest single…
Ralph then returned to hosting the show normally, but he was considerably altered. His voice had noticeably changed, though his patterns of speech and American accent remained very much the same.
Even after the M.E.G.'s slow research on this low-risk phenomenon had unearthed a change in Ralph's appearance from that of a middle-aged East Asian man to his current appearance, it was not until after Archivist Nikolaou's interview that further records were unveiled of an M.E.G. behavioral scientist vanishing in mid-2015:
M.E.G. Log: Termination of Membership
Name: Chris Stanley
M.E.G. Title: Archivist / Field Researcher
Last seen: Jul 21st 2015
Reason: Presumed dead
Archivist and Field Researcher Chris Stanley was a beloved figure in Base Omega's ranks, ever since he first graced the M.E.G. with his presence on the 15th of March, 2013.
In the week preceding Jul 21st 2015, Chris professed a number of breakthroughs regarding the study of human-like entities. He departed with a tape recorder and two bottles of almond water from Base Omega on the 21st, that Tuesday, never to be seen again.
Chris is remembered by colleagues for his craftiness, penchant for entity research, and endearing smile. Loved nothing more than a cup of tea and a smoke after a long day. Missed long before he died by his earthly partner Alex and child Mona.
After Eleni's interview, the subject of Chris' disappearance was reopened and it was noticed that Ralph and him are physically identical and share a similar vocal tone, though a completely different accent from Chris' northern English. The two even share a nervous tic — frequent visitors of Ralph's and old friends of Chris' note the rubbing of a mug handle to be a common repetitive soothing action.
The matter went unresolved for a long time, with Ralph proving stubborn to investigate. Archivist Nikolaou refused to return for a second round of questioning, citing her perturbing experience4. Nobody at the M.E.G. wanted to touch the idea of conducting another interview with a 10-foot pole following this newfound suspicion that Ralph was a transformed ex-M.E.G. researcher himself.
This investigation only reached a conclusive end when Ralph put on a strange tape, seemingly airing it in error. The existing music cut out, and swapped to a low-quality tape of Chris' last moments before becoming Ralph — him, through similar note-employing methods as Eleni used, convincing the old Ralph to leave, seeing him to the door.
Note for Critters: I haven't written the contents of the tape yet but here's what's planned to happen:
He doesn't really interview Ralph or it would go about as well as Eleni's, rather he immediately starts with his reasons Ralph has to leave. Though he does begin to succumb to the sedative effect, he overcomes it enough to convince Ralph to use his key and open the chained door. So Ralph does leave.
But then Chris notices the key suddenly appearing around his neck and his voice changes from British to American. Chris grapples with his identity beginning to erode, and being unable to go back to the way he'd acted just minutes ago. Banging also starts to come from the other side of the door. Chris only starts to cope with his memories beginning to shift towards Ralph's memories, it's assumed he continues to do this for the 10 more hours that Radio Backrooms was off the air for.
The tape cuts out and Ralph apologizes in his signature cheerful tone:
Ralph: Technical difficulties, folks! Just listenin' to some… old personal records. Hope that was [Coughs] mighty entertainin' for ya! …now, uh, back to those saxophones.
Entrances and Exits
Entrances
- This studio is easily accessible from its Level 11 exterior. The door is always open for visitors.
- Some other levels connect to this place in unexpected ways:
- Add Later
- One or two wanderers have also reporigsahoiegdkshgaoiehg this is stupid
Exits
- Simply walk out the front door after saying goodbye to Ralph — no other means of exiting the studio have been found.
